Older Men and Sex: How to Enjoy Sex and Aging

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In many cultures, particularly here in North America, sexuality has become inexorably intertwined with being young. Or, to put it a better way with, being anything but old.

Speaking personally, what’s made this difficult hasn’t been the physical signs of aging—although I’ve had more than my fair share lately—but that, in my mind, I’m still as young as I’ve always felt.  

Reality hits when I try to navigate the world as I’ve always done, including sexually. 

As someone sporting penis-and-testicle genitalia, I can go from considering myself a sexual person to someone who might as well be—and please excuse the dramatics—already dead.

This emotionally jarring break between mind and body commonly triggers depression over lost youth and impending mortality.

But this doesn’t have to be the case, because, while it will no doubt be a rough road at times, aging doesn’t have to be the end but rather a new sexual beginning. 

Over the years, I have assembled what has become an essential emotional toolkit to help me deal—and even look forward to getting older.

Freedom from erections

One of my best approaches has been actively trying to reframe my sexuality from overly focusing on erections. 

Easier said than done, right?  

Well, you certainly got that right since the ability to achieve and maintain an erection is still too-commonly the measure of a man’s sexuality. 

So much so that when they become more and more difficult to achieve it can feel like—going back to being overly dramatic—another nail in a man’s sexual coffin.  

But it has also been wonderfully liberating.  

Like so many others, when I was younger erections were ruthlessly expected by myself as well as many of my partners, to the point that I began to look at sex as something less to be enjoyed and more to successfully accomplish.

Getting older, though, the grey in my beard has granted me a kind of get-out-of-impotence-free card: that always having and keeping an erection is no longer expected—and when it does occur it’s kind of a special bonus.

To be fair, this shift of attitude has perhaps been a little easier for me, as I’ve always preferred other forms of sexual activity over penetrative play.  

Still, developing this part of my aging toolkit has had its ups and downs over the years.

What I’m trying to say is that changing my perspective in regards to erections and sex, embracing rather than uselessly fighting a battle I physiologically can’t win, has helped me process my changing body as I get older.

That special little pill

No discussion of erections and aging would be a good one without bringing up what was once called the “little blue pill.” Although these days Sildenafil, what was once called Viagra, doesn’t only come in that particular color.

To share my story once again, using this medication has been an interesting, and sometimes even a great, experience.  

Before touching on the effects, it’s important to address the metaphorical bulging erection in the room: using something like Sildenafil can be much easier than actually screwing up the courage to ask your doctor for a prescription.

So even though it might be embarrassing, do discuss your concerns and situation with your doctor. Do it not only so you may receive a script for Sildenafil, but also to rule out other important health issues that could at first appear to be erectile dysfunction. 

Embracing new options and possibilities

If I could use a word to describe my use of that medication I would say liberating: for the first time I was free from the worry of losing focus, and therefore my erection, and so I had a much better time with my partner during sex.

But this little pill isn’t the only liberating thing to consider as one gets older.  

As we are, after all, living in the amazing world of 2020 there are technological opportunities as well.

Sex tech companies are now branching out with sex toys designed for seniors in mind, specifically allowing the dexterity challenged to use them for sexual stimulation.  

Even without being uniquely designed for seniors, many other manufacturers are now offering devices that don’t just help but can actually enhance sexual activities.  

The end result is that, as with that little pill, sex can relax away from being focused on erections and on the pressure to perform, and into a much more enjoyable and fulfilling approach to expressing your sexuality as you get older.

The importance of changing perspective

These have been just a few of the tools in my getting-older toolbox. But rather than trying to squeeze in any others, instead, I want to toss the subject over to you.

After all, if you’re reading this either you or someone you care about is approaching this stage of life. That being so, there’s a big question to ask: where to go from here?

Because, when you think about it, for the penis-equipped there are really only two ways to go: becoming more and more aggravated and despondent by focusing on what you can’t do anymore, or shifting how you think about getting older to see it as having endless opportunities for sexual experimentation—with the major plus of no longer being yoked to the myth that sex is always about erections.

So the decision is there.  But even if you go with the more optimistic path, remember that figuring out it all out, what works and what doesn’t, and how to best reframe your consciousness around getting older, it won’t necessarily be an easy one.

But that’s what life’s about: taking what it gives you, learning and growing as a person, and finding your place in it.  You’ve done it before and now you’ll do it some more: with bitterness and regret or with hope and maybe even joy–it’s all up to you.

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